For a long time, I wanted to free myself up from this emotional prison of hate, depression and loneliness. I have read tons of books on moving on. But no matter how many books you read, you cannot never achieve the feeling of complete freedom unless you learn to how to forgive.
It took a long while for me to forgive. How can I if the person is not even repentant? It wasn't easy. Everyday, I would ask Inner Self if I have already forgiven him. My Inner Self wouldn't lie of course but would encourage me to try again and again everyday, knowing that it is my only ticket to complete emotional freedom.
After one and a half years, he became friendly. I never ever thought that we could be friends again. Although I must admit that I prayed hard for this. One time, while he was visiting the children and we were left alone, I felt the compulsion to tell him that I have already forgiven him. It just dawned on me. I completely let go and yes, I felt that I really have forgiven him.
I guess there is a big difference when forgiveness is verbalized. It made a difference on me and it made a difference on him as well. I can say that we were both liberated.
Forgiveness leads to emotional freedom. It is an exhilarating feeling.
Muster the courage to forgive and verbalize it straight to their face without any expectations, only to relieve yourself of the emotional rut.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Reiki
I attended a Reiki workshop some time in April of last year. It is a beautiful form of energy healing. At that time, there was still so much anger in me. I was betrayed by my own husband. With that kind of an experience, who wouldn't have anger in her heart? It is not a pleasant feeling to keep. And I knew that the only way to free myself up of the anger is to forgive him. But how can I if he is not even remorseful of his act of infidelity?
Anyway, my Reiki Master asked for me to sit in front of the class for a crystal pendulum demonstration. She asked me to relive and think about my worst experience. So I thought about our final confrontation wherein he admitted to his affair with this local actress. I had my eyes closed and the pendulum was right on top of my head. My classmates at the workshop were just quietly observing. After that, she asked me to think about the most joyous event in my life. I thought about the day when I gave birth to my eldest child. My Reiki Master asked me to go back to my seat and asked the other participants about their observations. They said that when I was thinking of the worst experience in my life, the crystal pendulum just stood still. That means that there was dead energy or it's as if the energy was being sucked out of me. When I was thinking about the happiest moment in my life, the crystal pendulum swung in circles. That means that there was positive energy feeding me. So what does this all mean? That means that my anger plus trying to think about negative experiences would really make me look stressed, sick and somewhat lifeless. It was slowly killing me. Whereas if I think about positive experiences, life energy or life force just keeps on adding up. Therefore, thoughts and feelings affect our health.
If I continued on thinking about how hurt I was, it would have been a downward spiral and I would probably be in a rut right now. I decided to think about how blessed I was. I had my children, the support of family and friends, I had wonderful clients and a whole lot more. Life became better and better.
And so during the workshop, I was attuned as a Level 1 Reiki healer. A month after, I was attuned as a Level 2 Reiki healer. I did self-healing plus healing others and the wonderful effect of the whole thing was that I was able to convert most of my anger into compassion. Compassion leads to forgiveness and forgiveness leads to emotional freedom.
Anyway, my Reiki Master asked for me to sit in front of the class for a crystal pendulum demonstration. She asked me to relive and think about my worst experience. So I thought about our final confrontation wherein he admitted to his affair with this local actress. I had my eyes closed and the pendulum was right on top of my head. My classmates at the workshop were just quietly observing. After that, she asked me to think about the most joyous event in my life. I thought about the day when I gave birth to my eldest child. My Reiki Master asked me to go back to my seat and asked the other participants about their observations. They said that when I was thinking of the worst experience in my life, the crystal pendulum just stood still. That means that there was dead energy or it's as if the energy was being sucked out of me. When I was thinking about the happiest moment in my life, the crystal pendulum swung in circles. That means that there was positive energy feeding me. So what does this all mean? That means that my anger plus trying to think about negative experiences would really make me look stressed, sick and somewhat lifeless. It was slowly killing me. Whereas if I think about positive experiences, life energy or life force just keeps on adding up. Therefore, thoughts and feelings affect our health.
If I continued on thinking about how hurt I was, it would have been a downward spiral and I would probably be in a rut right now. I decided to think about how blessed I was. I had my children, the support of family and friends, I had wonderful clients and a whole lot more. Life became better and better.
And so during the workshop, I was attuned as a Level 1 Reiki healer. A month after, I was attuned as a Level 2 Reiki healer. I did self-healing plus healing others and the wonderful effect of the whole thing was that I was able to convert most of my anger into compassion. Compassion leads to forgiveness and forgiveness leads to emotional freedom.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Beacon of Light
A friend of mine once told me, "Just be a beacon of light to everyone especially to him". It got stuck in my head but at that time, I was still too angry to accept what she just told me. I know I was doing the right thing for everyone else, but I had hatred in my heart for him.
As months went by, I realized that I cannot keep hating him forever. Anger and hatred... these are the very source of my own frustration, depression and general stress. I prayed really hard to rid myself of these feelings. It is a heavy load to carry for the rest of my life. It slowly kills every aspect of the human being... the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects.
Slowly but surely, little by little, I was able to transform anger into compassion. I think I can say that it is now possible for me to forgive him for his weaknesses. I believe that it is now possible as opposed to what I thought before that it is impossible for me to forgive him for what he has done. I must admit though that I cannot say that I have completely forgiven him. I am taking baby steps. It is not easy to do that but I am on my way, step-by-step.
As for being the Beacon of Light, just do the right thing and you'll be alright. Do not do anything to hurt people by your words and actions. Do your duties as a mother. Do your job or vocation conscienciously. Be nice to him but keep your distance. It's quite a challenge but it is possible. It will liberate you. I am on my way to emotional freedom.
As months went by, I realized that I cannot keep hating him forever. Anger and hatred... these are the very source of my own frustration, depression and general stress. I prayed really hard to rid myself of these feelings. It is a heavy load to carry for the rest of my life. It slowly kills every aspect of the human being... the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects.
Slowly but surely, little by little, I was able to transform anger into compassion. I think I can say that it is now possible for me to forgive him for his weaknesses. I believe that it is now possible as opposed to what I thought before that it is impossible for me to forgive him for what he has done. I must admit though that I cannot say that I have completely forgiven him. I am taking baby steps. It is not easy to do that but I am on my way, step-by-step.
As for being the Beacon of Light, just do the right thing and you'll be alright. Do not do anything to hurt people by your words and actions. Do your duties as a mother. Do your job or vocation conscienciously. Be nice to him but keep your distance. It's quite a challenge but it is possible. It will liberate you. I am on my way to emotional freedom.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Time with the Children
I spent more quality time with my 3 children. The children love me now more than ever, and how I love them so. I took them to places they've never been before. We went on out-of-town trips. We never experienced that when he was still with us for he always made promises to take us out but never did.
I scheduled dates with the children twice a week. We have dinners at their favorite restaurants, we go to parks, some movies, to the malls, or simply just hang-out at home and that's what they call our "special nights" together. In turn, they would always say, "Thank you Mommy", sweetly, lovingly and with hugs to match. I can never compare that feeling with anything else.
These children mean everything to me. I gave up my full-time job to be with them, to guide them, to be available for them. It's just me and the kids now... and life is peaceful and full of love. Of course they sometimes fight and I act as their referee. That's part of it. They are still very young. My eldest son is now 9, my daughter is 6 and my other son is 3. Still, our home is filled with love for one another.
Single motherhood is an adventure. A woman's strength is always tested.
I teach my children values but they always teach me something back in return. They taught me how to be strong and to love, no matter what. My eldest son told me one day, "Mommy, whatever Daddy is doing... let's just love him anyway." I know that it was really meant for me. They still love and respect their father although they don't want to live with him. Besides, I never told them not to love him. I always tell them that he still is their father.
As for me, I am enjoying every minute that I spend with my children. I am a single mom. For all the single moms out there, "Cheers to us". Let's make this a better world for our children.
I scheduled dates with the children twice a week. We have dinners at their favorite restaurants, we go to parks, some movies, to the malls, or simply just hang-out at home and that's what they call our "special nights" together. In turn, they would always say, "Thank you Mommy", sweetly, lovingly and with hugs to match. I can never compare that feeling with anything else.
These children mean everything to me. I gave up my full-time job to be with them, to guide them, to be available for them. It's just me and the kids now... and life is peaceful and full of love. Of course they sometimes fight and I act as their referee. That's part of it. They are still very young. My eldest son is now 9, my daughter is 6 and my other son is 3. Still, our home is filled with love for one another.
Single motherhood is an adventure. A woman's strength is always tested.
I teach my children values but they always teach me something back in return. They taught me how to be strong and to love, no matter what. My eldest son told me one day, "Mommy, whatever Daddy is doing... let's just love him anyway." I know that it was really meant for me. They still love and respect their father although they don't want to live with him. Besides, I never told them not to love him. I always tell them that he still is their father.
As for me, I am enjoying every minute that I spend with my children. I am a single mom. For all the single moms out there, "Cheers to us". Let's make this a better world for our children.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
House Cleaning
I did some house-cleaning. It really is very therapeutic. Seeing clutter also makes one feel more stressed. Reducing clutter and putting things in their proper places not only clears some spaces but also clears the mind.
I segregated all his belongings. He left me with a lot of them. Up to this time, I still don't know if I should throw them away or not. Included are books, reference materials, about 3 shirts, seminar manuals and other stuff. I just decided on having all of them in one box and kept away from my sight for he might still need those. Am I being very considerate? Besides, I don't actually know where to send them for I don't know where he lives now.
I also kept wedding photo frames, albums and other family pictures out of my sight. Well, of course I had to pull them down from the walls. I just kept my children's photos on display. I had to keep all reminders of him away from me. After all, it's just me and the kids now.
About my wedding ring, well, I sold it. He lost his a few days after our wedding anyway. Isn't that a clear sign that the marriage is not going to last?
I segregated all his belongings. He left me with a lot of them. Up to this time, I still don't know if I should throw them away or not. Included are books, reference materials, about 3 shirts, seminar manuals and other stuff. I just decided on having all of them in one box and kept away from my sight for he might still need those. Am I being very considerate? Besides, I don't actually know where to send them for I don't know where he lives now.
I also kept wedding photo frames, albums and other family pictures out of my sight. Well, of course I had to pull them down from the walls. I just kept my children's photos on display. I had to keep all reminders of him away from me. After all, it's just me and the kids now.
About my wedding ring, well, I sold it. He lost his a few days after our wedding anyway. Isn't that a clear sign that the marriage is not going to last?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Counseling
Within two weeks after he admitted to the affair, people actually convinced me to get a counseling session. So, I did. It wasn’t easy to get a schedule with my preferred counsellor though.
I got my first counseling schedule and so I went. I couldn’t control myself and I started crying right away, as I was telling her about myself and my story. After pouring all my heart out (at that time, I thought it’s never going to end), she told me that all she could do is to accompany me in the healing process and to my recovery.
My counsellor explained to me the stages that I will have to go through or I am currently going through.
Denial - Prior to me knowing about the affair, there were telltale signs that I just ignored. I even denied the power of my own intuition, maybe because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was avoiding it because I didn’t want to get hurt. Trust was also an important issue. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t trust him. I was avoiding the truth when in fact, the truth should have set me free a long time ago.
Anger – I got furious when he admitted it. I got hysterical and I kept on punching him until I hyperventilated and my hands and fingers got so stiff that I couldn’t move them. I was also angry at myself for letting it happen. I was also angry at the other woman of course that I called her and told her that she is a home-wrecker. There was even a time when I emailed her to scare her off because she is a celebrity. I know for a fact that she is concerned about her reputation because she is also married and with three children.
Bargaining – There came a time when I bargained with him. I asked him several times to give our marriage another chance. I was the aggrieved and yet, I tried to bargain. I was thinking about the children, and myself of course. I couldn’t bear to let go. Maybe, I was too scared then to be alone. I was willing to forgive and start all over. I was willing to spend a lot for marriage recovery workshops just so we can still be whole. That was kind of foolish of me but hey, it is part of the process towards recovery.
Depression – A few months after, I got into a state wherein I just didn’t want to feel anything. I felt numb but with it I was still angry, only subdued. I also felt deep sadness. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what happened and how he could have done that to me and the children.
Acceptance – After everything has settled and after I realized that life must go on for myself and for my children, I slowly began to accept the fact that he is gone, and that he has done what he has done because he wanted to do it.
These five stages may or may not happen in this order. Sometimes, I felt being okay one day, then being back to where I started the next. In my case, it was a mixture of everything for a particular time-frame. I sometimes jumped from one stage to the next then back again. It was a roller-coaster ride, a roller-coaster of emotions. I had several other counseling sessions for about two months.
Looking back, I feel proud of my accomplishments. I have risen from the darkest days of my life and I’ve started a new and better life with my children.
I got my first counseling schedule and so I went. I couldn’t control myself and I started crying right away, as I was telling her about myself and my story. After pouring all my heart out (at that time, I thought it’s never going to end), she told me that all she could do is to accompany me in the healing process and to my recovery.
My counsellor explained to me the stages that I will have to go through or I am currently going through.
Denial - Prior to me knowing about the affair, there were telltale signs that I just ignored. I even denied the power of my own intuition, maybe because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was avoiding it because I didn’t want to get hurt. Trust was also an important issue. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t trust him. I was avoiding the truth when in fact, the truth should have set me free a long time ago.
Anger – I got furious when he admitted it. I got hysterical and I kept on punching him until I hyperventilated and my hands and fingers got so stiff that I couldn’t move them. I was also angry at myself for letting it happen. I was also angry at the other woman of course that I called her and told her that she is a home-wrecker. There was even a time when I emailed her to scare her off because she is a celebrity. I know for a fact that she is concerned about her reputation because she is also married and with three children.
Bargaining – There came a time when I bargained with him. I asked him several times to give our marriage another chance. I was the aggrieved and yet, I tried to bargain. I was thinking about the children, and myself of course. I couldn’t bear to let go. Maybe, I was too scared then to be alone. I was willing to forgive and start all over. I was willing to spend a lot for marriage recovery workshops just so we can still be whole. That was kind of foolish of me but hey, it is part of the process towards recovery.
Depression – A few months after, I got into a state wherein I just didn’t want to feel anything. I felt numb but with it I was still angry, only subdued. I also felt deep sadness. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what happened and how he could have done that to me and the children.
Acceptance – After everything has settled and after I realized that life must go on for myself and for my children, I slowly began to accept the fact that he is gone, and that he has done what he has done because he wanted to do it.
These five stages may or may not happen in this order. Sometimes, I felt being okay one day, then being back to where I started the next. In my case, it was a mixture of everything for a particular time-frame. I sometimes jumped from one stage to the next then back again. It was a roller-coaster ride, a roller-coaster of emotions. I had several other counseling sessions for about two months.
Looking back, I feel proud of my accomplishments. I have risen from the darkest days of my life and I’ve started a new and better life with my children.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A Make-over
A few weeks after I found out about the affair, I tried to redo myself. I bought self-help books, new and more fashionable clothes (I really had to buy new ones due to the fact that I've lost a considerable amount of weight), I changed my hairstyle and other stuff. No, it wasn’t for him to notice me. I wanted to feel empowered and special. I have been so busy taking care of other people that I neglected myself. I “beautified” and put my attention on myself and it felt good. I felt good about myself again. I felt good as a single person and not as someone who is dependent on another person’s success, happiness, care and love.
People started to notice. I felt even better that my efforts are paying off. I have to admit though that it cost me a lot of money. But hey, it was all worth it... because I am WORTHY! And you are, too.
People started to notice. I felt even better that my efforts are paying off. I have to admit though that it cost me a lot of money. But hey, it was all worth it... because I am WORTHY! And you are, too.
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