Time with the Children

I spent more quality time with my 3 children. The children love me now more than ever, and how I love them so. I took them to places they've never been before. We went on out-of-town trips. We never experienced that when he was still with us for he always made promises to take us out but never did.

I scheduled dates with the children twice a week. We have dinners at their favorite restaurants, we go to parks, some movies, to the malls, or simply just hang-out at home and that's what they call our "special nights" together. In turn, they would always say, "Thank you Mommy", sweetly, lovingly and with hugs to match. I can never compare that feeling with anything else.

These children mean everything to me. I gave up my full-time job to be with them, to guide them, to be available for them. It's just me and the kids now... and life is peaceful and full of love. Of course they sometimes fight and I act as their referee. That's part of it. They are still very young. My eldest son is now 9, my daughter is 6 and my other son is 3. Still, our home is filled with love for one another.

Single motherhood is an adventure. A woman's strength is always tested.

I teach my children values but they always teach me something back in return. They taught me how to be strong and to love, no matter what. My eldest son told me one day, "Mommy, whatever Daddy is doing... let's just love him anyway." I know that it was really meant for me. They still love and respect their father although they don't want to live with him. Besides, I never told them not to love him. I always tell them that he still is their father.

As for me, I am enjoying every minute that I spend with my children. I am a single mom. For all the single moms out there, "Cheers to us". Let's make this a better world for our children.

House Cleaning

I did some house-cleaning. It really is very therapeutic. Seeing clutter also makes one feel more stressed. Reducing clutter and putting things in their proper places not only clears some spaces but also clears the mind.

I segregated all his belongings. He left me with a lot of them. Up to this time, I still don't know if I should throw them away or not. Included are books, reference materials, about 3 shirts, seminar manuals and other stuff. I just decided on having all of them in one box and kept away from my sight for he might still need those. Am I being very considerate? Besides, I don't actually know where to send them for I don't know where he lives now.

I also kept wedding photo frames, albums and other family pictures out of my sight. Well, of course I had to pull them down from the walls. I just kept my children's photos on display. I had to keep all reminders of him away from me. After all, it's just me and the kids now.

About my wedding ring, well, I sold it. He lost his a few days after our wedding anyway. Isn't that a clear sign that the marriage is not going to last?

Counseling

Within two weeks after he admitted to the affair, people actually convinced me to get a counseling session. So, I did. It wasn’t easy to get a schedule with my preferred counsellor though.

I got my first counseling schedule and so I went. I couldn’t control myself and I started crying right away, as I was telling her about myself and my story. After pouring all my heart out (at that time, I thought it’s never going to end), she told me that all she could do is to accompany me in the healing process and to my recovery.

My counsellor explained to me the stages that I will have to go through or I am currently going through.

Denial - Prior to me knowing about the affair, there were telltale signs that I just ignored. I even denied the power of my own intuition, maybe because I didn’t want to deal with it. I was avoiding it because I didn’t want to get hurt. Trust was also an important issue. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t trust him. I was avoiding the truth when in fact, the truth should have set me free a long time ago.

Anger – I got furious when he admitted it. I got hysterical and I kept on punching him until I hyperventilated and my hands and fingers got so stiff that I couldn’t move them. I was also angry at myself for letting it happen. I was also angry at the other woman of course that I called her and told her that she is a home-wrecker. There was even a time when I emailed her to scare her off because she is a celebrity. I know for a fact that she is concerned about her reputation because she is also married and with three children.

Bargaining – There came a time when I bargained with him. I asked him several times to give our marriage another chance. I was the aggrieved and yet, I tried to bargain. I was thinking about the children, and myself of course. I couldn’t bear to let go. Maybe, I was too scared then to be alone. I was willing to forgive and start all over. I was willing to spend a lot for marriage recovery workshops just so we can still be whole. That was kind of foolish of me but hey, it is part of the process towards recovery.

Depression – A few months after, I got into a state wherein I just didn’t want to feel anything. I felt numb but with it I was still angry, only subdued. I also felt deep sadness. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what happened and how he could have done that to me and the children.

Acceptance – After everything has settled and after I realized that life must go on for myself and for my children, I slowly began to accept the fact that he is gone, and that he has done what he has done because he wanted to do it.

These five stages may or may not happen in this order. Sometimes, I felt being okay one day, then being back to where I started the next. In my case, it was a mixture of everything for a particular time-frame. I sometimes jumped from one stage to the next then back again. It was a roller-coaster ride, a roller-coaster of emotions. I had several other counseling sessions for about two months.

Looking back, I feel proud of my accomplishments. I have risen from the darkest days of my life and I’ve started a new and better life with my children.

A Make-over

A few weeks after I found out about the affair, I tried to redo myself. I bought self-help books, new and more fashionable clothes (I really had to buy new ones due to the fact that I've lost a considerable amount of weight), I changed my hairstyle and other stuff. No, it wasn’t for him to notice me. I wanted to feel empowered and special. I have been so busy taking care of other people that I neglected myself. I “beautified” and put my attention on myself and it felt good. I felt good about myself again. I felt good as a single person and not as someone who is dependent on another person’s success, happiness, care and love.

People started to notice. I felt even better that my efforts are paying off. I have to admit though that it cost me a lot of money. But hey, it was all worth it... because I am WORTHY! And you are, too.

The First Few Steps

The first thing that I did after I found out about the extramarital affair and after our confrontation was to contact my mother, my aunt who had the same experience and my closest friend. I had to let people I care about and who care about me know. I admit that at that time, I needed all the help that I can get. The pain was so unbearable and I had to share it with those who care to listen. Not that I want them to bear some of the pain but for me just to unload it and listen to their words of wisdom. Somewhat like a form of informal counselling. I talked to a lot of people whom I trust, the more I talked the more that I became stronger even if it’s just bit by bit. There was no use in denying what happened anyway.

Crying is a form of releasing and oh yes, I cried a lot. Crying is therapeutic. I often found myself talking on the phone with someone then suddenly, I’d burst into tears. Walking is also very therapeutic and during that time, I would walk a lot. It’s a relaxing and grounding exercise as well. I’d walk for 30 minutes at a time for about twice a day. While walking, I would contemplate on my situation and just enjoying the sights while walking is a beautiful experience in itself that I often found myself in some kind of meditative state instead of just contemplating about my situation. The funny thing is, in those meditative states, I felt like I was even blessed with what happened to me. Positive thoughts started running through my mind. I’ll write more about that in another post.

These little simple methods are the first few steps that I took. Bit by bit, I got stronger. I often fell back off track but I always made sure that I moved back on track again into recovery. If the women before me who went through the same thing were able to recover and make it on their own, why can’t I? And if I made it, why can’t you? ‘til my next post...

My Story

I only found out about it last year. They have been going on for 3 years, or maybe more. How could he have done such a thing? And we have 3 kids. Didn’t he even think about them? How could he have bastardized our marriage?

It was the worst thing that I have ever experienced. Being betrayed by my own husband. The one who was supposed to stand by my side through thick or thin. The one who took a vow with me. The father of my three young children. The only man that I ever loved.

When I found out about it, I had an anxiety attack. I couldn’t move my hands, I hyperventilated and I felt like I was going to puke.

Days passed and I wasn’t able to sleep, I wasn’t able to eat. It went on for a month. Oh yes, I lost a lot of weight and I looked like a living dead person, a zombie.

Every now and then every single day, I felt like my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing whenever thoughts come to my mind about how they did “it”, the sexual acts. I thought my crying fits would never end. I actually felt like I was going to die.

He actually blamed me for everything. He blamed me for what has become of him. I’ve read dozens of articles and books about betrayal and this is always the case, the culprit spouse always blamed the innocent spouse. Up to this day, he is not remorseful. I don’t think he ever will.

I thought about my children. I told them what was going on for I couldn’t lie to them. We’ve been lied to for the longest time. I told them that their father loves someone else and that he doesn’t love their mommy anymore. At that time, my eldest son was only 7 years old, my only girl was 5 and my youngest child, a boy, was just 2 years old. They were actually worried already about what’s happening to me. My eldest son asked, “What’s her name Mommy?” I told him the name. He said, “I hate that name Mommy.” He continued with, “Don’t worry Mommy because I will love you forever.” My daughter just responded by giving me the warmest hug that she could ever give and tears rolled down her cheeks. My youngest child, he was just too young. He just smiled and kissed me. I explained to them that from then on, it’s just going to be the four of us.

I took my strength from these three children. I love them dearly. Whenever they would see my sad or crying, they would crawl by my side to hug me. At times they would just draw pictures for me with the caption, “I love you Mommy”.

I wanted my children to see me as a strong woman. After a few months of sulking, I started redoing myself. I ate sensibly. I tried to learn new things. I took the kids out on dates. I resigned from my full-time job so that I can become a full-time mom. It’s just me, and the kids now and life is so much better.

This is my story and this is what I want to share with you... my experiences and how I made it through.